December 20, 2012

Miserable and Lonely With... No Life ??

" Don’t listen to those who belittle your dreams / No matter how reasonable they may seem.
Just love them and send them along / And get back to working and proving them wrong."  ~ Author Unknown

I am not a miserable person who is all alone and does not have a life.

On the contrary - I have more of a life than others in my family would EVER have the guts to embark upon.  Otherwise - they would already have done so.

Others have their choices for what they wanna do with their life.  And I have MY CHOICES for MY own life - which I have just as much right to as them.

Just because my choices are - different - than theirs - DOES NOT mean I am required to conform my life to suit theirs - period.  Nor does it justify their confused opinion that I should sit on some shelf at their disposal - when the schedule pertains to - their agenda - alone.

I no longer stick my neck out there to others - for their entertainment with a Guillotine.  Having to wipe their totally undeserving Disrespect off my face has happened for the very last time.

Today - they get what they give.  And they no longer get - until they give first.  And they should let that be the obviously much-needed tool they can use for measuring where things stand between them and me.

That being said - I will point out issues pertaining to my choice for my life - same   wanted - decided and shared working toward by my husband.

I do not wake up by an alarm clock - take a shower - get dressed - eat breakfast - get in my car - drive to my job - clock in - and have all my tasks come to me.  Nor do they ever give me any opportunity to sit on my ass for a moment to handle any of them.

I am walking out to a barn as soon as the crack of daylight appears and I can see sillhouettes of cattle - which happens to be around 7am at this time - much earlier during Daylight Savings Time.

That will change to heading out there around 5am - when the days of milking cows begin.

And it does not matter if there's thunder - lightning - 60mph winds - snow - rain - or hail blowing sideways - not even if it's 15 degrees below 0.  Dealing with weather elements comes with the goal.

I work inside a tack room - setting up rations of morning feed - which vary in amounts and product according to calf - cow - bull - heifer - pregnant - sick - etc..

I carry the first ration out and around to the paddock on the other side of the barn - to feed Artist and Patty.  ( <--- This sentence is THE easiest part of my entire life.  And it includes face to face with a damn bull.  Imagine that. )

I go back in and dish out Killian's ( <--- 2nd Bull - 'Chondro King' - Optical Illusion - Will kick your ass! ) ration to him - inside his stall.

I walk out to the other paddock - leave Bruce and Cora's ration in the bunker for them.  April must be put onto a lead rope and brought into the little yard - separated from the bigger cows while she eats her ration.

I go sneak my own breakfast.  Sometimes I don't get that lucky.

Right now - most days require walking to water spigots on each end of our house to pull the insulated covers off and hook up water hoses.  Those get dragged to each of the 3 water troughs we have for the cows ( two 30-gal. and one 100gal. )  - unless they need to be emptied for cleaning - first.

And that only happens smoothly if - there is no freeze.  Otherwise - I have to bust ice in the water troughs with a hammer - and pray for warmer weather to warm up the water hoses enough.

If it doesn't get warmer - I get to boil water inside the house and carry it out by buckets.  ( Don't even ask how long that takes. )

I carry 1st-cut hay over to the cows in both paddocks - when we're having very cold and/or nasty weather.  ( I know.  You don't get it.  You won't care enough.  But it is important - especially for pregnant cows. )

If there is no hay in the tack room - I get to climb up into the loft and toss bales off the side - and carry them into the tack room to lift up onto the saw horses ( which I am not supposed to be doing ).

I come back and set up hay for Killian in the alley of the barn.

I move April back over to the paddock with Bruce and Cora.  Killian gets brought out into the little yard where he also gets access to the barn alley.

Once the water troughs are dealt with - I pull out the dump cart and get busy picking up all the cow poop in the barn alley and stalls.  I do best possible to sweep up all the peed-on hay and dirt that got muddy from it.  I strip the rest of the bedding out the stall.  I sprinkle bad areas with barn lime and let the stalls dry out.

By the time I make it back into the house - it's around 10am.

And this is called - a Good Day.

When bad weather gets in the way.  I have to shift animals and plans.  My time is usually twisted and doubled between the barn and the house tasks - which end up having to shuck and jive with each other.  Naturally - there's always 1 or 2 things that end up getting thrown down to the bottom of the list - for another day.

Health and security of ANY Livestock can change at any moment - even in the middle of the night.  And no - you can't make it wait until you get out of bed in the morning.

My husband being home on his days off - able to help - and not sick - knocks off an hour - on a ' no crap ' day.

Not some extra benefit.  I end up helping him elsewhere.

I walk down to the coop to turn the chickens out of their coop.  I walk back up to the house - where I get to pick up where I left off - with the neverending list that goes on inside the house.  And that includes bathing dogs - as well as going up and down stairs  ( another thing I am not supposed to be doing ) to the basement to deal with laundry.

If I have to go to the post office - do the shopping errands in Lenoir City - shopping and/or appointments in Farrogut - etc. - it all needs to be done and I have to be back to the house by no later than 4pm - unless Dwayne is home.

Come 4pm - Somebody gets to start all over again with the trip out to the barn.  And it's usually - Me.

My husband gets off work at 5:30pm and commutes 35 miles each way.  By the time he gets home - I'm lucky if I've been able to start supper by then.

We're lucky if we get to eat supper by 7pm anymore.

We go to bed at 8:30pm.

I do not get a day off.  The animals must be fed and taken care of - TWICE a day - EVERY day.

They cannot feed themselves.  They cannot go without food and water.

My husband really gets no day off - either.  It does not matter if he is getting up and commuting to his 'normal' job - or not.  There are many other things that have to be taken care of around here.

We both have cellphones.  Voicemail is available whenever we are not able to answer our phones.  We DO return our calls in the same day - unless calls come in after we have already gone to bed for the night.

We DON'T let the batteries run down on our cellphones.  We DON'T turn them off while they're charging.  We DON'T leave them in our vehicles.  We DON'T leave them at work.  We DON'T leave them at somebody's house.  We DON'T leave them where neither of us can hear them when there is ANY type of significant situation going on with friends and/or family.

We use our cellphones as they are intended.  We keep them close to either one of us - at all times.  Because - that is what intelligent and considerate people with self-respect do with a cellphone.

It has been almost 2 years since I last had the opportunity to walk inside someone else's home to visit.

Beyond that - we let the house go to hell to attend a 2-day class on Dexter Cattle.  Even then - all animals were cared for - before we left and after we returned.

I am accused of being miserable and lonely.

Misery comes with my goal - in many forms - at various times - on various levels.  Ask anyone else that raises livestock or runs any kind of farm.

Just because I'm willing to risk sliding and landing in cow shit - and others are not - DOES NOT mean I've chosen something for my life that will give me the same thrill that others enjoy out of getting drunk enough that they can't hear themself doing an epic failure at Kareoke.

Kids puke at daycare.  Cars get flat tires.  Batteries go dead.  My job is located on our property.  Their job is located - where?

Do I accuse them of being miserable?

Are they miserable?  Does it make them feel miserable - the fact that I won't drop my life for their convenience - whenever they have nothing else to slip into their schedule?

Am I miserable because I'm raising cattle?  NO.  This is what I wanted to do - same as my husband.  We both chose to do this.

This is my life.  It is much more different than anything else I have ever done in my life - because I've never been allowed to have such opportunity ever before in my life - until now.

With the exception of one daughter - there has been no family near us.  We have had family from afar come visit us - twice - since we bought this place - over the past 4 years.

Does that make us miserable?  NO.

It's difficult - if not impossible - for us to sit and visit with anyone.

If you don't mind getting cow poop on your clothes - your shoes - or - yourself... we're always receptive to welcoming any help we can get around here.

But to be totally honest - we have no time to visit.

My husband and I are all we have for labor around here.  We are the only ones that worked on putting fence posts in and getting all the fencing done - the barn reconstructed and doing all the daily chores around here.

I can't be in 2 places at the same time.  Dwayne can't put up fences and build barns or shelters by himself.  When I help him outside - our house goes to Hell on the inside.

We are the only ones that go after feed - supplies and equipment around here.  We have been blessed with a friend/co-worker that gave of himself to ride along with Dwayne to Missouri and help with picking up our 2 Cow/Calf Pairs this past October.

Our current set-up with our cattle is temporary.  Just enough to get us through to spring, 2013.  God willing - we have 2 new calves coming - at the very least.

We also have Killian to think about.  The marbles have dropped.  He's gonna have something - very much - on his mind by early spring, 2013.

If we want peace of mind and harmony around here - we must bring females to the ' Chondro King '!  And the price for these females would make every single female ' Escort ' *cough* - in Washington, D.C. downright jealous as Hell.

Our Hay field is going away.  It's being busted up into 4 grazing areas with shelters in each area - along with an alley for driving  through and moving/treating cows.

We have to have - bare minimum - 2 of those areas fenced in - with shelters constructed - ready before the end of April, 2013.  Each shelter will be constructed with the ability for cross-utilization to help with calving - sickness, etc..

You can bet - Dwayne and I will be handling that by ourselves, as well.

Are we miserable?  Are we without a life?  " No to the Hell Naaaaww! "

Our life surrounds raising cattle.  It's a challenge more difficult than raising children.

Unlike Children - Cattle cannot answer back.  They're not 2-legged teenagers that can be left at home for a weekend - or - overnight.  And we don't have any that can cover our back door for us.

We don't live around stop signs and street lights - surrounded by grocery stores - malls - bars.  We don't live a few blocks away from any family or friends.

I've had it thrown in my face that a particular daughter " comes to visit all the time - and we never come to her house. "

That story has a 2-way road.  But I'm not about to stoop down and throw my own arrows at her.  She knows very well - what I am talking about, too.  The only thing she doesn't know about right now is - the red sweater i bought to wear for a particular event that went down earlier this month.

At any rate - apparently - that makes her miserable.

The last thing we have time for putting up with is somebody throwing weapons at us.  That makes us miserable.  We have enough misery that comes with our goals.

Do not even dare - to misconstrue the differences between struggles and unhappiness.

We chose to take on the misery that comes with accomplishing this goal of raising cattle.  But we don't have to put up with any other type of misery being bestowed upon us so disrespectfully by others.

And the two of us have enough self-respect to refuse allowing any such bad behavior come toward either of us.

And that answers to the claim that I am lonely.

How could I be lonely?  I'm married to a wonderful man that has the same hopes and goals I have.  And everybody knows - animals are only capable of giving all the unconditional love you'll accept!


D Mommens said...

Doesn't it just tick you off when people get on your case about something? My EX SIL did that earlier this year, after my niece's wedding. Guess she didn't like us "laughing" about what a fool she made of herself the evening before the wedding when she yelled and screamed at her daughter. Sadly it took me a little while to get over what she said, (she knows the one thing to say that will hurt me the most, since she KNOWS I really wanted kids, and didn't get blessed that way) even though I KNEW she was trying to mess with my head. I banned her on facebook, cause she wouldn't stop sending us pm's...which REALLY ticked her off I guess. *giggle* Oh well, she is a worthless piece of skin, and I'm so glad she isn't my SIL any more...even if she has basically turned my niece against us. I'm trying to just turn it all over to God and not worry about it, we have enough going on without their added drama! Sounds like you know exactly how it is! Enjoy your cows, they are much nicer than most people are to my way of thinking, even if they ARE a LOT of work!! :-))

Kelly said...

Love your post. I agree - sometimes you have to put yourself and your goals first. Your day sounds great and hectic at the same time. Hope you have a great holiday!

A Lady's Life said...

I think the life you've chosen is healthy and a very good one.
Sure it takes time, but so does everything that's worth doing.
The day will come when you will have time to relax a bit.
You know, lots of people love farms and would love to come out and help just to get the feel of it, as volunteers. My friend has a horse place and she never lacks volunteers.
People come to clean the horses, talk to them bring them carrots.etc...
and the owner has a few minutes to have a coffee, go shopping or do a few other things knowing her horses are in good hands.Take it easy and enjoy your life.
It's a good life.

Queenacres said...

You can be lonely in a room full of people...or you can be quite content to be alone. Some folks just don't understand that. Some folks can't deal with the quiet when they are left with their own thoughts.

Hard work and peace of mind. You've got the keys to a fufilled life my friend.

Bee Lady said...

Well it sure does sound like something is going on behind the scenes with family. And you've had it up to ---here---!
You have a busy day and a hard life but if you love it, then it's worth it. Many people sit in offices behind a desk dreaming of getting out. I know, I did that for years.
I think the comment about volunteers is a good one. You should consider hosting a "day on the farm." It could eventually get you someone to help take care of the cattle so you could take a day/week off. I don't know how you do it.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas and I pray for no frozen water hoses!

Cindy Bee

Life 101 said...

Merry Christmas. All the best to your and your family.

Queenacres said...

Happy New Year!