January 3, 2013

A Sense of Quiet in Being

( So hard to believe - this was only 4 years ago. )

Time that has passed since my last posting has been – overwhelming – to say the least.  Actually – that cloud has prevailed since just after Thanksgiving.

And we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Seems like I am having to weed my garden year round.  Some folks don’t know where I’m really coming from when I say that.  The light comes on for a few when I offer up an example.  But then they walk away with the assumption that I’ve given them the sole meaning behind my parable.

There are many types of gardens around this world.  Many are themed and created on foundations based upon the climate of the regions where they exist.

My Life is the main garden that I tend.  It is the only garden capable of traveling with me – no matter where I move about in this world.  In that garden I grow relationships – and personal goals.  And – as I have only had no choice but to face at times – holes and empty spots appear in my garden – same as when flowers or other plants fail and/or fade away in any other garden.

And just as one does with the commonly known types of gardens – time becomes necessary for taking a step back to mend – and decide what to do with the blank spot.  For me – my only choice has become the effort to set another goal – or – to simplify.

I think I have enough on my plate.  Time has come to simplify - again.

That decision was made for me – after Thanksgiving.

I shot this photo this morning.  This would be the collection of Christmas Decorations – as well as our 7’ Christmas tree that we store in our Basement.  They stand where they were placed after putting away last year’s fun and celebration.

Walking downstairs to shoot the photo this morning has required some time to mend.  It was much easier this time – compared to the last time I headed down there – about a week into December.

Dwayne and I had spent quite a bit of money on putting a Housewarming together - to host for our youngest daughter and her significant other.  We were so proud of the two of them – and happy for them.  They’d managed to buy their very first home – in the middle of this economic nightmare of uncertainty – despite their young ages.

Just as important – I’d spent a lot of time making decorations and invitations – cooking and baking as well.  Even bought a really nice Christmas Red sweater to wear to the party.

It was a project that I knew I was going to struggle with - considering everything we take care of around here.  But this was about our Daughter.  It was important to us.  This was a huge step in her life.  She has always been important to us.

And then – we didn’t even get to go to the party.

We have not seen the inside of their new home.  And – most likely – we never will get to do so.

My husband went to work one morning after a round of days off - about a week before the party.  But he came home early that day – because some people just can’t respect other co-workers by staying home when they are sick with colds and flu.

I wonder if those people ever consider - or even care - about the fall-out that can occur for others from impact over their senseless choices.  Or - are they just too ignorant to realize how everything - really is - connected?

  • Caring for a sick husband that ended up making 2 trips to the doctor over this illness.  It’s been almost 10 years since the last time he tried to see a doctor. )
  • The full regimen of feeding/watering/moving cows and calves – twice each day.
  • Up and down the hay loft – dropping and carrying hay all around.
  • Cleaning / stripping / replenishing stalls and the alley of the barn.
  • Training our Heifer.
  • Cleaning house – laundry – cooking – caring for the cat and dogs – running for groceries and feed.

I ended up carrying the full load at home – by myself - along with all the preparation for the Housewarming Party.  The weather began going downhill – fast.  And with livestock – there is no such thing as monotony in their personalities.  You never have the same day twice.  And you never know if / when / who is going to choose to be pissy on any given day – enough to throw everything out of wack.  That just comes with the goal.

My husband was very ill for almost a month.  Imagine - a month of doing this by yourself - and even more at times - with a back injury that has you struggling with - along with fighting to keep from going into surgery - at the age of 53 - and the height of 4 foot 11 inches.

Call me crazy.  But excluding those living this same lifestyle - can I call you Lazy?  Just because we're willing - and you're not - does not mean anybody is wrong.  So - think before you start the name calling.

That day came – about a week into December – when I walked downstairs to the basement and stood in front of those totes.  I must have spent a half-hour there.  It was an experience I have never had – ever – in my 53 years of life on this friggin’ planet.

For the first time in my whole life – I found myself completely smothered by a sense of not even wanting to do Christmas.  I had absolutely no desire to drag all that crap upstairs and try to disperse it all around the house.

I just did not have it in me.

I was completely overwhelmed by the load I was already dealt.  I was - thoroughly - absolutely - drained of every kind of energy.  And the thought of having to turn around and put all that crap away - possibly by myself - again???

I sat there doing math – as I always do.  And let me tell you.  If I never did math in my life – I’m not so sure I would have had even a thread of sense to keep me floating long enough to survive in this world.  Because my math – and my husband - are the only 2 things in my life that I have ever been able to depend upon - without some kind of payment in return ( other than love and being myself  ) being expected - when I’ve had my legs kicked out from under me.

There have been way too many times – when my own immediate family have had nothing for me – but to kick me when I’m knocked down - after they could not get what they wanted from me.

I measured what was left inside me – as I stood in front of those totes down in that basement.  I found nothing left for energy - to send out Christmas cards – shop for gifts – wrap a present – bake cookies or cook Christmas Dinner.

I sat there – and I washed pain out of me - through tears – until I found peace and a sense for being able to carry on – after making the decision to leave those totes right where they stood.

Christmas Day was totally different for my husband and me this year.

After getting cows taken care of – we got dressed – and left the house.  We went to Starbucks in Turkey Creek to splurge on a gourmet coffee – breakfast – and a pastry.

And then – we went to Regal Cinema to watchThe Hobbit " – in Real3D.

We made it home just in time – to take care of the cows – again – before going inside to eat leftovers – or something.  I cannot even remember.

I only remember being with my husband at Starbucks and at the movie.  And I remember whispering, “ Happy Birthday, Jesus.  Thank you, God.

( Right after getting married in 2002. )

And I will hold that – dearly – inside my heart – forever.


Deb said...

So sorry your hubby has been so ill...sure hope he is feeling better now! Also sorry it sounds like you may not be in your daughters good graces...since you said you may never get to see her house, I pray she will forgive and let you back into her life! I just can't understand why family is like they are...DH's is like that, they won't talk to us...where mine forgives and moves on thank goodness!! We can fight but they still talk to us! Take care of yourself and that hubby of yours...and I pray things get easier and better for you both! :-))

Queenacres said...

I hope your hubby is on the mend! We didn't do any Christmas decorating this year either...breaking a long standing tradition...and it felt great! You know what is important in your heart and in your life, and that's what matters most!

A Lady's Life said...

Oh my Dear. I am so sorry this happened. I fully understand because I think kids can be very cruel these days. They don't understand the pain they cause. They always think you are 21 and parents never get old or even die.A parent always has to be strong and unfortunately in life people get old and need help.Then when something bad happens, they regret it.
When they need someone they trust to talk to, it's not there.
Parents must be always loved. You can't change them. They are grown up and have rights even more so than the young because they've lived longer and SURVIVED! lol
I learned not to put so many things for Christmas. It's not like we have children around but a few things are ok. I am glad hubby is getting better and you spent the holiday being close with each other. You begin this way and you end this way. Your daughter will miss you and time will cure this ill. Be strong.It's like they say every one gets their turn. Wait till the grandchildren come. What you are doing will then be appreciated. Kids love farms.:)