April 16, 2012

Let's Get This Straight - THIS Is Me.


Sometimes - ya' just have to sit down and nip a knat in the butt.  Today is one of those days.



Just seems like - no matter how well and wonderful life goes - there's always this one little situation that creeps in.  And time has come for me to give it my last opportunity for reckoning.  After this - all the imps are on their own!

Every once in a while - I come across individuals that just can’t handle my personality.  So - they run away.

They have - absolutely - no idea - what they’re running from.  They only assume.

They have - absolutely - no idea - how much strength it took for me to develop - while becoming a survivor of mental - emotional - and physical abuse - for the first 50 years of my life.

I never even stood a chance- not even in Hell - from the very day that I was conceived.

Children never get to choose their parents.  Children never get to choose their families.

Children were to be “ seen and not heard “ in my family.  And as for my “ family “ - I never had family until I married my husband I share life with today.

I had Adversaries - for what most people consider as family.  If there wasn’t anything they could get out of me - they had no use for me.

I was considered a “ Miss Goody Two-Shoes “  - an Outsider - an Outcast.  Either - I wasn’t a blood relative - or - I never made it a habit to partake in any kind of activities and/or behavior that landed me in jail.

Going through school - I was always afraid to get too close to the other kids.  I never wanted my friends coming to my house.  I never knew - from day to day - what kind of Hell might break loose.  I never knew when we were gonna be uprooted - again - from one town to the next - from one state to the next.

Texas City, Texas was supposed to be considered my “ Hometown. “  I went to school there from grades 2 - 5.  And then again - during my 8th grade year.

Little did I know - parents of all those other kids were sitting around their kitchen tables - gossiping about everything I tried so hard to hide from all the other kids.

And of course - too many Adults fail to understand that there are things that just should not be discussed around children.

You can be 6 years old - and be capable of feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

Still - it was just one more - of a few pools of humans that pushed me off to the side.  And I really never knew why - until I was a lot older.

My stepfather joined the Bandidos motorcycle gang for a while.

Like overnight - my half-siblings and I were no longer allowed to play with all the other kids on our street.  Their parents didn't want us coming into their houses or yards - anymore.  I was around 8 or 9 years old then.

To this very day - there are people all over Galveston County, Texas that are totally unaware of the fact that - I was not a blood relative of that family.  But then - “ Guilt by Association “ lives strong down there.

And let me tell ya’ - it just never works when you try hanging around while you’re getting bashed by both sides.  Nobody wants you around because you’re part of that family.  Nobody in that family wants you around because you’re not blood.  Hopeless.

Let me come home with a C on a report card during my K-12 school years.  I got whipped and grounded.  And if you think my stepfather risked busting a vein in his hand to whip me - think again.  And if you think he bothered to make sure the buckles never got in the way - think again.

And if you think turning 18 made any difference - think again.

Let me end up on the Honor roll - even make it into the Scholarship Federation.  The only thing I ever heard was - “ College???  You can FORGET College!!

My greatest wish was to become a Veterinarian.

The vacation fund for the Texas City Police Department was more supported - instead.

I ended up graduating high school in Fairfield, California.  I had to beg and beg - to be able to stay there - only 6 weeks longer - so I could graduate.  Texas required more credits than California.  I wouldn’t have had enough credits to graduate.

I had to stay with a friend and her mother.  I had no family at my graduation.  They had all left and gone back to Texas.  The only child to graduate high school - and nobody was there to see it.

But my life was threatened if I didn’t catch that plane to go back to Texas - at 6:30am the next morning - in San Francisco.

When I look back - what I see is... anything important to me that I wanted to do for myself meant nothing to my stepfather and mother - if they were goals or interests that neither of them had ever reached - or - held any personal common interest in for themselves.

By the time I graduated high school - I felt like my only hope of surviving in life was to get married.

Trying to find somebody that might love me that much - seemed like an unreasonable miracle to ask for.

But I did end up marrying a guy.  My ex-husband.

Today I have been through enough to know now - all I ever amounted to in those eyes of his and his family was - a surrogate they managed to railroad.

I can’t possibly begin to show you how much I’m - actually - skipping here.

But I will say this.

Marrying the wonderful man I share my life with today - has been THE ONLY love - respect - stability - and success I’ve been ALLOWED to enjoy in my whole - entire - life.

I’ve had to move away from Texas to do that.  I’ve had to move thousands of miles away from my so-called family - just to do that.  And then - I had to cut off - all communications - in every form - just to be able to do that.

But even after all that - I had to grab hold of the reins that led a wagon - loaded with all that emotional chaos that comes from Menopause - and learn how to use it in the most positive ways for the best interests of my well-being and the happiness of my life - my husband’s life - my youngest daughter’s life - the family we have become here in East Tennessee - and the happiness of the marriage I share with a man that has made dreams come true for all three of us.

There is something golden in turning 50 years old - and going through Menopause - when one has suffered and survived as much Hell on Earth as I have overcome.

You reach a point where you just don’t care what anybody else thinks anymore.  You don’t care how much they get pissed off when they can’t have their way with you - for their own benefit - at the expense of your happiness and your life.

You no longer keep your mouth shut and hold all the truth and your feelings inside - for fear of upsetting somebody - even when they know they’re in the wrong.  You stop being afraid of what they may try doing to you - to hurt you - if you speak up to set them straight - or - refuse to cave in to their manipulation.

And you no longer care what they say about you.

I used to live in fear over the mean and ugly lies my own mother tells other people about me.  I would exhaust myself - go crazy defending myself - to the whole world.

And then I decided that I - just - couldn’t - care - any less - anymore.  If they’re stupid enough to listen to her - if they’re too lazy and weak to come ask me for the other side of the story…

Then, none of them are worth any fight to keep in my life - especially when I’m the only one sticking my neck out there.

Menopause helped me wake up one day and - Decide.

I had held THEIR crap - meanness - cruelty - devious secrets - manipulation - and guilt - in my lap for way too many decades.  50 years was long enough.  Time to throw all THEIR CRAP back into THEIR OWN LAPS.

And slam the doors shut - for good.  Because there are people on this planet that just aren’t wired for changing their mean ways.

I’m the first to admit - I can be so down-to-earth beyond raw.

I speak my mind.  I don’t take any crap off of anybody.  And if I think you’re an asshole - don’t open the gate and expect me to let you walk through it to come on out and be an asshole to me - especially when I’ve never done one damn thing bad to you.

When you choose to take third-party gossip about me as pure gospel - without even coming to me and asking me for my side of the story - before taking it upon yourself to half-ass judge me - so wholeheartedly with hate in your heart…

Understand this.  You can sit in those britches full of crap all by yourself - because I’m not climbing into ’em with ya’.

If you’ve never even sat down at a table and had a cup of coffee and some conversation with me - ever - in your life…

Then, you don’t know a damn thing about me.  Anything anybody else has ever said about me to you - all null and void.

I know the truth about me.

I know that I deserve respect and kindness.

I know that I’m a good person - to good people.

I know that I’m a loving person - to loving people.

I know that I’m intelligent.

I know that there are many positive attributes to myself.

I know that I have many good - respectable - talents for shaping and taking great care of my life and my family.

I have earned my right to become the strong castle walls that I am today - for protecting me - and all that I have in my life today.

Bottom line - after everything I have gone through to get to where I am today - even if the Pope - Himself - tried to walk into my house and harm or destroy me - my husband - my youngest daughter - or anything we have all accomplished in our lives and share in our lives with each other today…

I wouldn’t even give it a second thought before kicking HIS ass.

I don’t have to answer to anybody on this planet.  I don’t have to take any crap off of anybody on this planet.  I don’t have to lie - or be fake - or run from an honest person’s rants of truth - for fear of being condemned by other fakes in this world.

At the end of the day - there is one - sole fact - that holds all that up for me - that I can - and DO - trust and depend upon.

When others may choose to cave in to all the aggressive manipulation and power plays forced by confused souls that think their power - or - influence gives them that right…

I know that GOD sees and knows more about me than anybody else on this planet!  He knows what I’m gonna think - before I even think it.

Whatever I say or do - God already knows it.  And He loves me.

I know that God appreciates the fact that I am totally aware of that fact. And I know He gives me a LOT of credit for that.

I don’t have to hide my true feelings.  I don’t have to sell myself - for the sake of being accepted by others on this planet.  I don’t have to be perfect.  And I don’t have to be fake - just to please somebody else.

All I am required to do is protect the honest goodness that abides in my heart.  I don’t have to twist and bend for anybody on this planet - giving that part of my soul up for fear of somebody getting pissed because they can’t have their way with me for their own choice of behaving with malice and meanness.

What greater sin  - what greater lie - can there be - than faking yourself - to yourself and the whole world - when God is watching and already sees and knows everything about you?

Who are you - to judge me - when you’re so weak that you can’t even find goodness in your own heart for taking fair amount of time to understand this person that’s done you no wrong?

To run from a survivor like me - should raise a red flag warning of a weakness in one’s soul.

And the loss is not mine.

There are souls on this planet that have never said one single cuss word in front of you; yet, they have stabbed you in the back while looking you straight in the eye.

I’ve gone without love in my life - for way too many decades - to waste the goodness in my heart - by shunning and/or shorting good people on this planet.

And I take great comfort in knowing - My God knows that - completely.


This posting here - is the VERY LAST - out of - I don't know how many times - I've had to take time that I really don't have - defending myself against undeserving actions by others.



This is Me.  And if you have a problem with that - then - it is what it is.

It’s YOUR problem.  Not mine.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you believe in the Christian Religions, then Hell is on Earth, therefore somewhere along the line, in a previous life, you did something so terribly wrong, that this time around you are paying for it!

I gave up that system of belief years ago, and never looked back.

God is not supposed to do that, according to all the mouths that bother to tell you so, therefore, we can argue till blue in the face about what's right and what's wrong. I'm not interested into that, sorry!

I have my own belief which is in the Universe, we are here for a reason, sometime the reason escapes us totally, but the misery we suffer is brought on by the bad ones onto us, the best thing we can do with it? Is what you did yourself for yourself, you've accomplished it, enjoy the fruits of your labour!

Blessed be!

T. Cupp said...

I like the you that you are! I like your honesty and your beautiful heart. I like your clear vision of God's love for you. (((Hugs)))

Peggy said...

And a mighty awesome person you are! Koodo's for standing up for yourself and not letting people make you be something you're not.

Deb said...

Well said, I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but I have no doubt there is a reason for it all. You may never now what it was, but God does. :)

I'm still waiting to not care...I'm getting there mind you, but am not totally there. Thats pretty much the only reason I finally agreed to move away from my beloved farm too...cause I want to get away from DH's family, and to be able to stop worrying when I have to be away from the farm for long, that they will do something to it or the animals because they are mad at us. I've learned, since I got married, that family really CAN suck!

It will be nice to be closer to my family, with my parents getting older...but the biggest reason we are trying to sell out was cause of DH's family. I have no idea HOW hubby managed to be so sane, when they don't seem to be. LOL

WeldrBrat said...

Deb,

I can answer your last mention for you. Some of us end up becoming Observers in Life - with family becoming our greatest teachers of what NOT to do in Life. If we fight to keep from drowning (some cave and succeed at committing suicide)... we become God's tool for using that other side of His Coin (as I call it) - Love on one side - His fatherly Grace and Discipline on the other - to teach the lesson all the others needed to learn about themselves.